Wake UP CALL

I really surprise myself. I started this blog with every

intention of post my experiences since my arrival in this

country and yet i push it off ( like most things i do). Well

tonight is different. I have pushed myself to the edge

with these thoughts and tears that currently spill out of

my head. I think a good cry is all it takes for me to

wake up and realize what i gave up. I chose to be free

and wanted to just "have fun". At my age most gay guys

steer away from exclusive relationships or fail to realize

what actually it means to be in one.

Since my first experiences nearly 2 years ago with the

same sex i have left all emotions out of my "encounters"

and just lived for the moment. I still find myself

scoping for the hot guy(s) of the day and imagine the

possibilities with them. Sexual desire encompasses my

sexually peaking mind constantly. Everywhere i go, i

see a guy whom i find sexually attractive and nothing

more. Do i see the personality or do i even care for it?As

long as i get to go home with him tonight I'm fine.

tomorrows another day.

But what people don't seem to know about me is that i

long for something more concrete. something with

depth. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and

have the same person by my side each and every day. I

want to know that someone out there has my heart as i

have his. These guys or what i like to call "eye candy"

that cross paths with me are something i often take

serious now. I mean, most gay guys i know don't

imagine what a relationship would be like with these

hot, muscular guys that frequent my gym. But i DO.

Its one thing to be sexy. I see new guys at my gym all

the time that i exchange stares with and sometimes

leads to other things but I've grown tired of it. I long to

have someone to call my own. Somebody that knows the

definition of a relationship and can give my heart a run

for its money.

These walls I've built around my feelings wont break for

just anyone, I'm cautious regardless how thin my

patience has grown. I mean I'm almost at the point i

want to give up. My mind continues to disagree with

what my heart is feeling.

I don't know if I'm crazy but i cant seem to just hang out

with a guy (straight or not) and eventually start to

ponder "what if". I want to go back to the days where my

hormones didn't have the best of me. It was simple and

innocent. Hanging out didn't have to lead to other

things.

During my stay here in this island nation I've crossed

paths with countless guys. I find myself doing the

"stare" with discrete guys everywhere i go and once in a

while i find the guy who i think is perfect in my eyes

(looks-wise).

Like girlfriends in the past, my initial interest is

something amazing. Eventually though i make it a effort

to find the bad in the person in an attempt to keep

searching. Because of this Never-ending thought

process, i have filtered out the bad and sadly the good

guys in my life.

Even now as i write this entry, i cant help but fight with

my head(s). I want something REAL one minute yet I'm

excited at the idea of meeting someone during one of

my many endless nights here.

You feel me? or are you as confused as i am now